He’s there when you need him.
Even professional chefs don’t cook for themselves every day. Sometimes you need to sit back and go to old reliable: In my case it’s Dunkin’ Donuts, and in the case of the Red Sox it is, of course, Rafael Devers, the guy who his 30 homers every year, smiling through it all, no matter what.
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I can’t remember how old I was when I realized that the donuts at Dunkin’ weren’t all that good, but it wasn’t until my mid-20’s that I began to loathe the breakfast sandwiches. To be clear: I still eat them because, again, sometimes you need to go to old reliable. I’m told there’s a scene in Challengers, which I have not viewed, in which the consumption of a Dunkin’ sandwich by a tennis pro is meant to signify he has hit rock bottom, and you know what? That’s fair. For those of us without nutritionists, or particular care for our innards, the value Dunkin’ reminds me of the value Bradley Cooper ascribes to Burger King in one of his more God complex-y roles (among many choices) as a crashed-out chef in Burnt:
“Consistency is death,” he says. Maybe, maybe not, but certainly not for baseball players. For baseball players, consistency is life. As Devers says in the clip below, “I don’t know why I’d be mad. They pay me good, I play baseball, and I hit homers.”
Sometimes there’s not much more to it than that, and that’s where Dunkin’ comes in. I don’t know why you’d be mad at it. They’re cheap, they sell coffee and food. So on a day like today — maybe you’re up late from watching Buccanners/Commies game or the last seven hours of Wicked or something — and you just don’t have the strength to boil those oats, why not embrace the consistency of the double D? There’s no shame in it, and Zendaya’s engaged now anyway, so they’ll be no challenging for her anyway. Plus, say what you want about Ben Affleck, but his Dunkie’s obsession does not seem to have hurt him in the romance department. He does that all by himself, thank you.
Despite all these words extolling our great New England quasi-civic institution in orange and purple, I’ve cut back on the Dunkie’s with my kids for gastrointestinal reasons (not mine). That said, I always go back in a pinch, and I always will, like Devers will always come around in the batting order. He and it are there when you need them.
Devers’s Dunkin’ Donuts
I strongly recommend using the Dunkin’ app because of the rewards, but of course any mention of that evokes “I got the big one!” from Casey Affleck’s iconic Dunkin’ SNL spot and so here it is:
Anyhow for this you will need:
- The Dunkin’ app
Bryan’s Notes
Around Halloween, Dunkin’ rolls out a spider donut, which is around for a couple weeks and features a chocolate Munchkin inside a regular sized donut all frosted up to look arachnoid. This is fairly common knowledge, but did you know that on Thanksgiving, and on Thanksgiving only, they do the same thing but make a turkey donut? No lie. Why do I know this about Dunkie’s on Thanksgiving? I’m the mayor of Dunkin’, kid!
- Go to Dunkin’
- Order ahead if you can, but if not, REMEMBER TO LET THEM SCAN YOUR PHONE FOR THOSE SWEET, SWEET POINTS
- Order a coffee roll and chocolate frosted for your two children
- Order a double espresso for yourself to stay awake to watch Devers get paid, play baseball, and hit homers